One Wild and Precious Life

It's Sunday!

And it's the Second Sunday of Easter, the 8th day of the Great Fifty Days.  Here's today's sermon; I'm also going to give links to my Holy Week sermons.  When I forget to post them here, they can always be found at our parish website. 

Download Easter 2B, April 15, 2012

Download Palm Sunday B, April 1, 2012

Download Maundy Thursday, April 5, 2012

Download Good Friday B, April 6, 2012

Download Great Vigil B, April 7, 2012

Download Easter Sundayl B, April 8, 2012

Enough with the files!  If I had to choose a couple to recommend, it would probably be Good Friday and maybe Maundy Thursday, but of course, I like them all!

Today was a stunningly gorgeous day, mostly sunny and mid-70s.  It was a perfect day to spend doing any number of things: a bike ride, reading and writing on the back porch, a little yard work.  Unfortunately, Sundays are usually "lost days" for me, after I've had my lunch.  Introvert that I am, church wears me out more than the work I do any other day of the week.  I love church, don't get me wrong -- and love seeing the people and being the extroverted "shepherd" for the day.  But it truly does wear me out.  Anyone who understands introversion from the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory will understand that.  So usually I go to lunch with one very gracious parishioner; today we went to Cookeville (next town west of here, twice the size of Crossville), ate lunch at Cheddars, and shopped a bit at TJ Maxx, one of my all-time favorite places to shop.  Then, as usual, it was home to the sofa for a nap. Zzzzzzz.

Now I'm about to watch Gloria Steinem on Oprah (two of my heroes, right together on the same show), then a new reality show on Bravo that I've become addicted to ("The Shahs of Sunset"), then my evening journal reflection, complete with list of gratitudes for the day, then it will be bedtime already.

It was a perfectly lovely day.  I'll also read a little before bed -- 2 pages of my AA Big Book, then a bit from a new Kindle book I got, The Meaning of Mary Magdalene: Discovering the Woman at the Heart of Christianity by Cynthia Bourgeault.  I enjoyed her The Wisdom Jesus immensely. 

Let me know what you think of Oprah, Gloria Steinem, Mary Magdalene, and Cynthia Bourgeault.

It's Time!

I have stalled around and stalled around, waiting for inspiration, waiting for time, waiting for photographs (I have some on my new camera, but haven't uploaded them to the computer yet).  There!  I uploaded the pictures, and it's time to quit procrastinating.  It has been a wonderful and holy Lent, conducting one retreat in Utica, NY which was an amazing experience; then attending a writing retreat in Valle Crucis, NC with Katerina Whitley and my "writing group" (one of three now!).

Valle Crucis Writers' Group

Here we are, with me front and center, and Katerina in red, center rear.  She is a wonderful writer and wonderful person, and gave me much encouragement and guidance on my black madonna book.  She has a new cookbook, which I've bought and highly recommend:  Around a Greek Table.  Please consider buying it!

Holy Week was the usual marathon of services:  Palm Sunday, Holy Tuesday (Stations of the Cross), Holy Wednesday (Tenebrae), Maundy Thursday (preaching at the Methodist Church noontime service, then our own evening lamb dinner, Communion in the parish hall, then into the church for the stripping of the altar), Good Friday (prayer and meditation 12-3, Liturgy for Good Friday and Communion from the reserved sacrament at 5), Holy Saturday (decorating in the morning, then in the evening, the Great Vigil -- first service of Easter), and the usual Easter Morning service (70 people and 6 kids -- great turnout!).  Here are a few pictures of the church decorated for Easter -- I think we always look so beautiful:

St. Raphael's Chancel Bedecked for Easter

Back/Front Doors of Church (Baptismal Font L Foreground)

Aren't those little azalea trees (one on each side of the chancel) amazing, with their braided stems?  I just love them.

After that marathon (which is my very favorite week of the whole church year, but exhausting), I spent this past week resting and recovering.  Fortunately it was a gentle week at work, and I had lots of reading and studying to do.  It was the week for the parish dinner (small turnout; not surprising for the week after Easter), and also the Communion service that I do at Uplands Retirement Village.  That's always a pleasure and a privilege.  Mostly, I've recovered, I think.  Time to make an appointment for a massage, though -- all the time at the computer (5 sermons in 8 days) has taken its toll on my neck and shoulders.

Now I'm attempting to keep Easter for the full Great 50 Days of Easter that Christians celebrate (it's even better than the Twelve Days of Christmas, if you really keep the feast).  Spring was so early that the roses on my front porch are blooming, and every time I pass them it's a reminder of Easter and new life!  The trees have mostly dropped their blossoms already, and oh, my, the grapes got frostbitten and are shriveled now -- I wonder if new little clusters will appear, or if I will be "grapeless" this year.  It has been a cool week, but forecast to be in the 70s today, so I'm hoping to spend some time on my porch.

Roses on the Front Porch

New Front Porch Set w/Beach Umbrella

Doesn't the front porch look like an ice cream parlor?  Unfortunately, the traffic noise makes it less pleasant to linger here than on the back porch.  But on cool mornings, the direct sunlight feels pretty good anyway!

My Lenten study of the Rule of Benedict went very well.  It tied in neatly with Holy Week themes of faithfulness, obedience, self-emptying.  Benedicts "12 steps of Humility" also ties in very nicely with the AA Twelve Steps, which I'm working in my recovery from Food Addiction (73 pounds lost now, and working steps 8 and 9 -- making amends -- very humbling, speaking of humility and obedience).

Now I'm seriously involved in planning my Sabbatical, which I plan to take in August, September, and October this year.  I'll spend most of the first month in Buffalo -- what did my friend Cheryl call it? -- "squatting" -- at her camping trailer by Lake Erie, writing while she toils away in the city all week.  Then I plan to go to Europe for 5 weeks (the time keeps getting shorter -- first it was maybe 8 weeks, then 6-8, then 6, now 5), visiting sites of black madonnas and spending time with them, learning legends, letting them speak to me for my book.  On my return I hope to spend a week at Duke Divinity School, writing some more -- or at Valle Crucis in a hermitage there -- can't quite decide yet.  The time keeps getting shorter and shorter, and there is so much to plan!

So as always, I do hope to write here more often.  It's a really fertile time in my life for ideas and inspiration.  I love celebrating the miracle of the resurrection in my own life, and sharing that with you as I live into this one wild and precious life that I continue to discover every single day.

Sermon for Lent 1 & Thoughts on Lent

Ash Wednesday is over, ashes duly administered and received (2 services) -- next year we'll likely try "Ashes to Go" (Google it -- there are hundreds of articles) -- but not a drive-through, though our church has a lovely circle drive that would be perfect for it!  I'm forming a worship planning committee that might help me decide where would be a good location to distribute early-morning ashes -- I wonder if McDonalds would let me stand at the drive-through?

For those of you not familiar with Lent, it's the 40 days (excluding Sundays -- those are days off!) preceding Easter.  It has traditionally been a time of fasting, penitence, and self-examination in preparation for Holy Week (the week prior to Easter, when the Last Supper, Jesus' trial, and his crucifixion took place).  When I was a kid growing up in the Episcopal Church, my Lenten practices were giving up candy and (when I remembered) stuffing coins into a "mite box" that was placed on a big cross on Easter Sunday morning and the money given to charity.  I've always found that observing Lent makes the glory of Easter and the Resurrection even more -- well, more glorious!  And sometimes some of the Lenten "new habits" actually stick.

Sometimes I've fasted during the day on Fridays, and this was always a pretty amazing experience, spiritually speaking.  Because of my abstinence and eating program, I've not tampered with my diet these last 2 years.

This year my Lent is packed, with a parish study of contemporary Islam as lived out in the US as well as my own study on the Rule of Benedict.  I'm using Jane Tomaine's book called St. Benedict's Toolbox (mine's on Kindle), as well as a couple of others: Esther DeWaal's Seeking God: The Way of St. Benedict, and the Rule of Benedict itself.  The study is in conjunction with a religious community for which I am a Companion:  The Worker Sisters & Brothers of the Holy Spirit.  We are actually spending the whole year on this study, and Jane Tomaine will be featured at our retreat in April in St. Louis.

I'm really excited about this study (I know, I know, it won't set everyone's heart on fire), especially since a lot of our Episcopal Book of Common Prayer and our own particular approach to spirituality and spiritual formation are based on Benedictine monasticism.

Here are my sermons for both Ash Wednesday and Sunday:

Download Ash Wednesday B, February 22, 2012

Download Lent 1B, February 26, 2012

I hope you are all thinking about Lenten practices, whether giving something up or taking something on!  I'm avoiding what I should be giving up (television and the computer) by taking on something very virtuous (see above).

Advent at My House

I'm having the loveliest Advent -- very peaceful and serene and low-key.  So far my decorations consist of a wreath on the front door, my (artificial) tree with lights and no ornaments, my Advent wreath, and the very beginnings of my creche.

 

 

Here is the Advent wreath as I originally set it up this year -- you can see, very spare and simple, not low-energy, just calm.  I've got plenty of purple and pink candles (some left over from last year), so I can burn it in the evening while I'm watching TV or writing in my journal.  I haven't put a Christ candle in the center, but will do that, to burn from Christmas Eve until Epiphany.

 

Here it is with a little bit of dressing-up:

 

Just some green (artificial) apples, some shiny golden apple ornaments, and a single gold "icicle" that I found on my living room rug (no doubt carried down from my studio amidst packing materials used to prepare one special parcel.  I don't know -- I kind of like it plain, now that I see the two pictures juxtaposed here.  I may put those things in the middle away again.

I mailed Cheryl's package on Monday and scheduled to arrive at its northerly destination next Monday!  I never get my packages mailed to arrive on time -- what is happening to me?  I may be possessed by some angelic spirit!

 

Here's my simple little tree:

Perhaps it looks a little forlorn in this shot -- but when it's a little dark in the room and the lights are twinkling, it's a pretty sight, all on its own -- and I doubt I'll add any ornaments, unless I'm seized with a fever of Christmas spirit in the next few days.  I've had lots of years without a tree at all -- maybe a poinsettia, or even a Norfolk Island Pine in a pot.  And this tree has little red berries attached, and just a dusting of artificial snow.  Next year when I get them out again,  I'll appreciate my beloved tree ornaments all the more. 

 

 

 I honestly thought it would be just the traditional manger scene:  family, shepherds, kings, a few animals.  But I couldn't resist adding a few of the figures I have around the house, including St. Francis, Buddha, Guadalupe, and the plane that seems to have landed on the stable roof.  My funny figures, all gathered around and waiting for the baby Jesus, always make me smile.  I probably won't unwrap Santa, Elvis, the snack wagon, the park bench, or the street lamps this year...

but every day a few more figures find their way to Bethlehem:

 

 

Here you see a few more animals and figures  -- the Infant of Prague, St. Patrick, the Virgin of Loreto (oh, wait, she was in the first picture), some cats, and a few more.  If you click on the picture, it will open to a larger version.  The Holy Family, of course, won't arrive until Christmas Eve (they're in the dining room right now), and the kings won't get there till Epiphany.  The animals are already there, because that's where they live.  This year's addition (I usually buy a new figure each year) was a dinosaur, there just left of the donkey.  All of creation awaits the Christ child, after all.

 

So that's basically it.  I'm not really energized to do elaborate decorating this year.  I'm not depressed, but rather seem to be investing my energy in things like arranging to see my family sometime during the week after Christmas.  I haven't been to Indiana during the Christmas season for years -- maybe decades!  And getting packages into the mail on time, and tending my flock here.  Last night we had a parish Christmas party, and it was lovely to see folks in their party duds coming together just to have fun, and because we like each other.

I also have time to do a little reading and meditating on what Christmas is really all about.  It's a great way to be living in this frantic season -- by not being frantic.  I don't have special foods to cook, or lots of gifts to buy (that's already done), or parties to attend.  I do have some more wrapping to do, but it will get done all in good time.  I've got a few cards to send, some of which will be electronic ones.

I hope each of you can find some quiet space in the season to just put your feet up and enjoy it all, rather than being too busy to notice that a miracle is happening.

Life is Amazing Sometimes!

My friend Fran is participating in the "A Virgin a Day" meme, and today she posted a picture of Artemis of the Ephesians.  Now Fran saw the ancient statue in Turkey (where Ephesus is located), but I saw this one in Naples:

I like to think of her as the "missing link" between paganism and Christianity in Italy.  Can you see how a culture who worshipped this figure above (her hands, feet, and face were replaced in bronze in the late Nineteenth Century, so I'm not sure if they were originally black), could easily adopt and adapt to a figure like the one following?

Actually the Lady above is in Einsiedeln, Switzerland -- but in the foothills of the Alps, the countries kind of run together, with no cultural boundaries at all.  It's "mountain culture," rather than identifiably Swiss or French or German or Italian.  Or how about this one, below?  She is across the border and in the Alpine foothills on the other side, in Oropa, Italy:

 

It seems to me that these dark, feminine figures have more in common than they are different.  On the Artemis figure, her headdress, arms, and skirt are lined with figures of humans and animals -- how radically different is that from those black Virgins, carrying the Christ Child?  At the very least, these black madonnas must have seemed like familiar figures to a goddess-worshipping Italian culture.

And speaking of my friend Fran, here's another amazing thing that has happened this week.  In her post a week or so ago, she mentioned my blog.  Well, someone who was reading her blog just happens to live in my town!  Out of the blue I got an email from this person, and we had lunch, and now I have a new friend!  I have a "Mary friend" right here in this town.  We're both passionate about the Virgin Mary (mine in the guise of my beloved black madonna, of course) -- and we have lots and lots and lots of other things in common!  I wish you could have seen us at lunch, talking about a million miles an hour, with so much to share.  So thanks to a friend way out west, I have a new friend here on the Cumberland Plateau!  What fun!  More than fun -- there's delight and joy in finding a new person to share with, in this bible-belt community where they mostly only pay attention to the Virgin Mary at Christmas, then they put her away for another year.  Thanks, Fran.

One of the best things about friends is what we share with one another, and how we grow and are inspired by knowing one another.  I would not have this new friend Donna if it weren't for my friend Fran.  And now I have someone to share Mary with, but also spirituality, and art-making, and life here in this part of the world.  Can you tell I'm thrilled?  Thanks, Fran!  Thanks, Donna, for following up and writing to me, and thanks to the both of you for bringing me again into blogland for a visit and inspiration.

Black Madonna Work

Well, late fall has well and truly crept up -- a couple of days of rain, a night with a hard freeze (last night), and this morning I could literally hear the leaves falling in the thick mountain fog.  Today became beautiful, though -- crisp, cool, and sunny -- like a golden delicious apple.  My front yard looks like this:

and the big oak tree in front of the church has never looked so stunning:

It looks like something caught fire beside my garage:

but no, it's just the burning bush that a parishioner gave me when it was just a little stick, and that I planted the year I came here.  Now the leaves on the tall trees look more like lace than a heavy golden canopy:

We've still got some color left, though, and this evening I took the dogs on a long walk to check out the woods and the pond (yes, Clementine still wanted a wade, at least, if not a full swim), and to walk back through the nearby development where Sophie and Goldie, the two golden retrievers I call "The Fan Club," barked us all the way down the street.  They're such good dogs, though -- they stay right inside their electronic fence, the way they're supposed to.  Here's a bit of what's left of the colors behind my house:

Ah, fall is beautiful here, and I love that it's so long -- actually all our seasons are just about equal in length, which makes for the great luxury of enjoying every one of them, and being happy to see the next one when it comes along.  The nip in the air tells me that winter is on its way, and I've still got plants to bring in or move to the potting shed, and the veggie garden to clean up and put to bed.  There are still a few bell peppers out there, and I'm thinking of bringing in one of the parsley plants so I'll have fresh parsley this winter.

A good friend has told me that it's time to blog again -- okay, it was Jack, my 2nd ex and one of my very best friends.  He's great at inspiring me and prompting me, and a good writer, too.  He wants to hear more about the black madonna, and she'll sneak her way in here, as you can tell from the title of this post.

Last weekend I was at a clergy conference in Gatlinburg.  I loved it -- the weather was beautiful, and the scenery in and around Gatlinburg was very nice this time of year, as you can imagine.  We got to spend some extended time with our new Bishop, George Young, and the more time I spend with him, the better I like him.  And I love getting to see my colleagues!  As much as I love my little spot up here on the Plateau, it means that I'm at least an hour's drive away from most of my Episcopal clergy colleagues, and I feel pretty isolated sometimes.  If I drive to Knoxville, it's basically a half-day out of my schedule -- an hour each way and whatever time I spend there.  I haven't had a lot of half-days to spare out of my week lately -- it's not like I can just ring someone up on the spur of the moment and say, "Are you free for lunch?"  So being with them, sharing meals, catching up, soaking up compliments about my weight loss (up to 69 pounds now), and handing out lots of compliments and congratulations myself was pure pleasure for me.  We also had some directed table conversation during our time together; funny how I used to hate it when we were basically told to "chat among yourselves and I (whoever the facilitator was) will give you a topic..."  But the older (or more extroverted?) I get, the more I like it.

It wasn't until I received quizzical looks when I told the group I've been doing a lot of "black madonna work" that I realized how much I keep this passion of mine under wraps.  One of my friends did ask, "So what do you mean when you say 'black madonna work'?"  I told my group, and now I'm going to tell you.  The black madonna is, for me, the embodiment of the dark sacred feminine -- that one who walks alongside us through the darkness, and helps us through the darkness that accompanies some of our most painful life transitions and transformations.  She sits with the dying, she comforts the bereaved (because she knows what that's like).  She is a protective, healing presence, but while not death-dealing herself (that's God's domain), she is familiar with and even comfortable with the ways of death, and can be fearlessly present in the valley of the shadow of death.  The black madonna can stand beside a woman who receives news that her husband's condition is imminently terminal, and she is there when I anoint his forehead and palms and heart and say the Litany for the Dying.  She is there when I give communion to someone so stooped with their illness that they cannot sit up straight in a chair, and she is there when I write their funeral homily.  She is there at the funerals when I process up the aisle behind the cross, speaking the now all-too-familiar words, "I am resurrection and I am life, says the Lord...."  She is there as I watch a stroke victim nod off to sleep while his wife tells me how it all happened.  She is there when, as I did this morning, I express love and sorrow and support to a parishioner whose adult daughter was found dead yesterday.

The black madonna is much, much more than all that, much more than just sickness and death and dying -- but she is deeply and truly present for me as I do that work that has partly made up my last three weeks.  I feel grateful to have her companionship and her strength.  I'm pretty tired, and grab my rest where I can.  But I feel really, really privileged.  And I feel guided and supported by this presence that walks with me in the dark places where I walk with my parishioners, who are now also my friends and my beloved family in Christ.

When I told my mother nearly 20 years ago that I felt called to the priesthood, she looked very thoughtful for a time and said, Betsy (Betsy is my family nickname, for my middle name, Elizabeth), I think your whole life has been getting you ready for this."  It was one of the wisest things I've ever heard.  During these recent weeks I truly feel that I've been doing the work that my whole life has been getting me ready to do.

Now I've got short ribs and veggies just out of the oven, and I'm going to dine with delight.  After all, I may be abstinent, eating weighed and measured meals -- but I'm still a food addict, and I love my dinner!

One Wild and Precious Day (Well, Two, Actually)

Two beautiful weekends of Indian Summer just past; last weekend I thought of all the shoulds and oughts first:  I could weed a badly overgrown veggie garden, and put it to bed for winter:

Or maybe I should clear the windfall tree that fell onto my labyrinth in the last big storm:

Nah.  I didn't want to do either one of those things.  I'd have had to go get my chain saw back from the sharpening shop to clear the tree, and I just didn't feel like weeding and mulching on such a gorgeous day.  But then there's the brush pile that needs burning -- I love a bonfire!

Or there's the brush pile behind the church -- even bigger and more in need of a burn!

But really, you can see by the light even in these pictures, that the day was calling me -- calling me to something way beyond work.  This day wanted to be admired and adored, savored and enjoyed.  The day called me to do what I wanted to do -- asked me how best to make use of this one wild and precious day. 

So I started out with a bike ride that made me feel wild and free, like a kid again, really, exploring roads I'd never taken, panting my way up small hills (hey, I do live in the mountains here!), scaring myself a little bit with the speed of the downhill coasts.  What fun!  I was having too much fun (and too out of breath) to take pictures of my ride.  But when I got home, the day still beckoned, and I went for a solitary walk in the woods behind the church.

Our church is blessed with 18.8 acres of property, only about 3 acres of which is cleared.  The other 15 acres or so is woodland, complete with a rough, overgrown gravel roadbed-path laid by a previous owner.  So I set off down the path, through the woods, across the creek:

And on back through that particularly beautiul slant of light that only comes in the fall.  First I checked on the tumble-down A-frame that used to be someone's fishing cabin:

Then I took a look at what I think was once a hunting blind -- someone told me it looks like the top to a silo -- but I always fancied it to be a flying saucer:

Ah, what fun I would have had with this, when I was a kid!  It would have been the ultimate clubhouse, spaceship, playhouse, fort, teepee, whatever my iimagination could have conjured!

Finally, I came to the pond.  Please don't tell my dogs I came here without them!

Ah, the light was so perfect and round, the sky so blue that I sat down right there for a time to watch some small fish, listen to the breeze, and puzzle out why trees seem to like to lean right out over the water, as this one has.  Slowly, slowly, in the silence broken only by woods noises, I began to feel my soul fill up again.  Then I could head back out, re-crossing the creek and walking uphill to get back out to the church parking lot -- and this is what I saw as I left the woods:

It's hard to see that tiny, tiny moon in the very center of that blue, blue sky -- but it's there!  And it looked much bigger when I actually saw it last week!  Of course, tomorrow that moon will be full -- but last week it was just a plump crescent, hanging there in that late afternoon sky.

This weekend -- last Friday on my day off, actually, I went on another adventure -- with the dogs this time!  I finally decided to explore Fall Creek Falls State Park, one of the several that are fairly near to me, this one being only about 45 minutes from my home.  Other people have encouraged me to explore it, saying it's "really nice," and the park's own PR says that Southern Living Magazine called it "the best state park in the south."    So Mapquest was my friend, giving me great driving directions, and off I went.  Yes, it was/is spectacular.  I can only show you these pictures to prove my point:

I got down there to the base of the falls (maybe 300 feet?) by way of a heavily-traveled, but steep and rather treacherous path.  The dogs loved it, but they wore me out, trying to keep them from greeting every fellow-traveler, not pull me down the path too quickly, not explore every nook and cranny, like this one:

And then, once we got to the bottom, a fairly steep half-mile -- well, then we had to come back up!  Whew!  I was beat by the time we made it back to the car -- but I felt glorious, at the same time.  And I don't think I could have done it before I lost this 68 pounds in the last 18 months!  And the view from the top was deinitely worth it:

Why didn't I find this park sooner?  Why did I have to live here for nearly 9 years before I got around to exploring here?  There are lots of other features and vistas that I didn't have time to explore yet, and the campgrounds look really fine.  It makes me want to get a pickup truck with a camper cap and just take off for a few days -- or the rest of my life!

One Wild and Precious Life

Today I'm writing from my back porch.  It's hot, but I'm tolerating the heat very well.  What you won't see in this picture is the fan that's blowing on me, in addition to a nice breeze.

I didn't know you could have a fan on a porch, till I overheard a conversation between some southern friends of mine.  Then I realized that you can have a fan anywhere you have an electrical outlet!  And in the evenings, it can help blow the bugs away.  Last night was just dreamy out here, I've got to tell you.

So it's beautiful out here.  Part of my job as a parish priest is reading and writing, pondering the mysteries of the universe.  It's a great job!  And it's the part of the job that can be done just as well on the back porch as anywhere else -- maybe better on the back porch!

Weight loss update:  63 pounds gone.  I feel terrific.  Most of the time I even think I look terrific!  I have more energy, more time, and I'm "showing up" more emotionally.  I really feel present to my life and other people in a way that I haven't in a long, long time.  And there are other changes that have come about since I'm not eating and drinking addictively.  For instance, I find myself cleaning things up.  One day I walked into my garage and thought, "Oh, this is a mess."  Before I knew it, it was cleaned up, the back of my car was full of cardboard for the recycling center, and I was sweeping grass clippings and spider webs out the door.  The same crazy thing happened in my potting shed -- let there be order!  The pile of old magazines in my closet has shrunk considerably.  What is this, anyway?

My mind is clearer.  I'm reading things that I've read in previous years, but it feels as though I'm reading them for the first time.  I'm writing more.  And I'm having lots of Big Ideas and Wonderings.  And one of my wonderings is about the whole reason for this blog.  Is there any real reason to continue it?  Yeah, I've met some great folks who read, and whose blogs I read regularly.  But I seem to spend less and less time reading blogs, and certainly not much time writing.  But I do feel that the adventure of my life is worth sharing.  I'm learning so much, realizing so much, and it's not as though I'm discovering anything new, but I do occasionally find resources worth sharing, and it would be great to have a few people to share all these thoughts and discoveries with.

So -- one wild and precious life.  One.  As far as anyone knows for sure, it's the only one we get.  The only time around.  I won't pass this way again, won't have this summer day, won't have this moment of seeing roses blooming and basil wilting, won't feel this same breeze.  Wild.  This isn't anybody else's life.  It's mine.  It can't be stuffed into someone else's conception of what it should be.  For that matter, it can't even be stuffed into my own preconceptions.  In some senses I am the driver of this life, but I also have the necessary luxury of just sitting back and watching what happens sometimes.  So it's God's design and mine, nobody else's.  I can't be tamed to fit someone else's standards.  Precious.  That hardly needs any expansion or explanation at all.  I feel as though every day is a miracle.  I look in the mirror and I'm amazed.  I watch and listen and feel my own heart, how it has expanded in love, and I'm surprised, delighted, and oh, so grateful.  Yes, this life is precious, and my prayer is that you who read these words realize the preciousness, the miracle of your own life.  Go in peace, friend, go in peace.

Hello, Out There!

After ever so many months, I'm finally back.  I've had such an adventurous few months; I can't possibly tell all, but could hit some highlights, for sure.

The biggest, ongoing adventure is my foray into the world of food addiction.  Actually saying that I'm an addict was the hardest part, and once that hurdle was behind me, it has been full steam ahead in the weight department.  I've lost 55 pounds in the last year, first losing 25 last summer, but gaining back 10 of that when fall arrived.  Those autumn months were when I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't do it alone.  In December I got serious about the program, and started counting my "days abstinent" on January 2.  I've had several breaks since then, have yet to accumulate 90 continuous days -- but the weight has continued to fall away, and I weigh less than I have in 15 years!  No, I don't have a recent picture to show, but I promise to get some this month.  And I don't want to neglect to mention the program I've joined:  Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA).  It's known to be fairly strict, and closely aligned with Alcoholics Anonymous.  It's not or everyone, but it's surely for me.  I have been living a miracle these last few months.

This adventure is about far more than weight loss, however.  There's a saying in FA:  "I got in it for the vanity and stayed in it for the sanity."  It has been delightful, for sure, to buy clothes in smaller sizes; but I have more energy and order in my life than I have had in years, too.  Somehow my garage, my potting shed, and my home have become more organized.  They're not perfect, never will be -- but there is room to breathe!  I've got a (reduced, more sensibly-sized) vegetable garden in, and I seem to have more time on my hands for the things that count:  reading, writing, enjoying my back porch, talking on the phone to friends and family, and taking care of business at the church.

I've also had many adventures this spring:

A mission trip to Honduras, helping in the dental clinic of a school and orphanage (no, I have no dental training, but I learned to assist with some things):

It was an amazing experience -- I think everything that a mission trip is supposed to be.  I learned about the kids, the country, the school, and myself.  I did a lot of reflecting and writing, and am so happy that I went.

I also attended a writing retreat at Valle Crucis Conference Center, and got re-invigorated to write about the black madonna.  I'm currently working on an article that I'm hoping to publish.  This group of women, who have been writing together for some time, will get together again in August, and I will join them!

Since I have lost considerable weight, I've been enjoying the heat much more than I ever have.  I spend a lot of time reading and writing on my cozy back porch:

I also use my little grill almost every night, and the porch has become my favorite spot!  The large pot you see on the left is actually a water feature that I made myself; the sound of water splashing masks the traffic noise from the busy road in front of my house.  I sit out here and do work, do meditative writing, and sometimes just kick back and pretend that I'm already on vacation!

So on this Independence Day, I wish you the freedom I'm finding this summer.

Snow Days

It's snowing here.  We've got about 4 inches.  In Buffalo, this would be to laugh at -- but here, where road clearing is less reliable, drivers are even less reliable than that, and the roads in the hills and hollers don't get cleared (or more likely, melted) for days and days, this is a big deal.  There are accidents on I-40, things in Knoxville, down off the mountain, are all closed up, and when I went out a few minutes ago to the grocery store and bank, there weren't very many people out and about.  I've never seen Kroger's so empty.  When I went in, I parked by a car left with its lights on.  I told the customer service desk, but they didn't announce it.  When I came out, the lights were still on, but it seemed to me they weren't quite as bright.  So I was a good Samaritan and turned them off.  Glad the car was unlocked, and there was no alarm on it!

Back porch (this was last month -- I brought that pot in so it wouldn't freeze & crack)

Front porch -- again, this is last month -- the wind wasn't blowing just the right way this month, so it doesn't look like this today.

And off the porch to the front yard, which looks almost just like this, except even though I shoveled the path, there's a layer of icy snow/sleet on it.

A bit ago I went out to the bank and the grocery store, before it all gets worse, as the forecast predicts.  All my meetings have been canceled, so the plan is another cozy day at home (like yesterday).  I'm thinking of a walk in the woods (with dogs or camera, I can't manage both).  I'm thinking of building a snowman (it's nice, wet, moldable snow).  I'm thinking I'll do lots of reading and journaling.  I'm thinking I'll get to watch Oprah today.  These two days off have been a gift, after the stress and busy-ness of last week -- stressful finance meeting, very large funeral for a much-beloved parishioner, breaking in a new parish secretary.  Nothing soul-destroying, just busy and stressful, with weather that was uncertain.  I love mini-vacations, especially when they're an unexpected gift!

I'm still succeeding (by the grace of God) with FA (Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous).  In my first month I lost 9.4 lbs (can I round up to 10?), and I'm 28 pounds less than I was at my all time high last March.  Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I'll be more than 30 pounds lighter than last year by the time March rolls around again.  The whole point of this program is not just the weight loss (some people have weight to gain) but sane eating and sane living.  Now that I'm not acting out by stuffing myself, I'm having childhood memories of self-soothing with food, and plenty of insights about other addictive patterns in my life.  On their web site I read the motto:  "I got in it for the vanity and stayed in it for the sanity."  That makes sense to me.  I'm being pretty honest when I say it's not primarily vanity for me at this point, though looking better and wearing smaller, normal sizes would be wonderful.  It's mostly about how I feel, and about my physical health.  My kidneys aren't good, and I want to decrease the stress on them.  My cholesterol and triglycerides aren't great, and I want to control those.  I know that Type II diabetes is rampant in our culture, and I have Type I in my family history (maternal aunt) -- I don't want to tempt fate by overworking my pancreas (produces insulin).  I also want to feel something more like I feel in my dreams.  I don't mean that facetiously at all, like "in your dreams"; I mean it literally.  In my dreams I'm not aware of being particularly thin or beautiful or sexy -- but my body does whatever I need it to do with relative ease -- I can run, walk, climb (even fly -- but I'm not expecting that, truly!).  It's just a serviceable body that doesn't obsess me or cause me concern.  I don't have those "feet stuck in mud" or "trying to move through water," or "I need to run but my body's too heavy" type dreams.

As far as FA goes, I'm attending meetings on Friday morning, committing my food daily to the woman who is acting as my sponsor, and doing daily reading, meditation, and journaling.  My clothes are getting looser.  I'm not starving, and not even cranky (though I was the first week).  I am more aware of "sharp edges" inside when I'm under stress -- sharp edges that I used to soften with food.  Now I'm forced to cope in other ways, and right now the journey's about being aware and finding other ways to cope.  My assignment this week is to find a sponsor and to "network" -- making at least one phone call per day to someone in the program.  As an introvert, it's not easy for me to just call up people I don't know for myself.  If I'm calling for the church, I've got much better at doing it -- I can talk to anyone on behalf of the church, and I love public speaking and small group work.  But to do it for myself -- to reach out for support, especially to a total stranger -- that's going to take some practice!

So my doggies are sleeping, precious pups that they are.  Buddy's here in the study in his worn leather chair, and I'm sure Clementine is on the sofa, where she's not supposed to be.  I'm feeling cozy now.  Everyone who can, stay warm -- or have outdoor winter adventures and come home and get cozy.  I'm off to finish my journaling and ponder.  Heck, I might even start to put away my Christmas paraphernalia!